I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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