I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Please don't give away my fajitas
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
