Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
