Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
