by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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