Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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