If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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