the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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