Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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