you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
