The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
