i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
