If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
