Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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