if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
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she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
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I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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