Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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