i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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