we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
