I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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