new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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