new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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