I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
