I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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