i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
