I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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