The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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