i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
