Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
