May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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