im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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