Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
