We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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