Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
