I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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