Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
