I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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