my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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