shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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