I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
