After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
