onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
