There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
