The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
you had me at cake vodka
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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