Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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