they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
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He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
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I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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