It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
