he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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