You're my little dorito
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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