I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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