If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
