hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
