And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
