dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize