Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just threw up on my dentist
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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