Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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