there's paper in my vomit.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
